New Challenges

Lots of challenges, as i face these upcoming holidays.  Thanksgiving wasn't really my down fall it was the few days before and after that got me.  My in laws from Illinois came to visit,  i did good on the nights where i cooked, but the nights where we went out to eat since Adam was off.  Well that was kinda my kryponite, because i would think i have never been to this place before.  And lets face it no one wants to eat salad 24/7.  I do feel like most of the places i went to i made as healthy choices as i could like tea instead of dr pepper, and no potatoes, or starchy foods.  But the extras that most restaurants cook their food with is crazy all the oils, butter and not to mention crazy sodium.  But even in bad situations where i don't make the best food choices, i feel like i learn from them.  Yesterday when we went to pops i did have dr p of  course and some vanilla Carmel cream soda which could easily become my favorite.  i like to call it creme brulle in a bottle lol.   Thankfully i have already lost 2 of the 5 i gained this week.  I'm hoping alot of it is water weight because i feel like my fingers are going to pop open because of the swelling.  I find myself thinking i cant believe i used to eat like this everyday, but i also see on the other "swollen" hand how easy it could be to fall back in to those same patterns.   This is defiantly a learning time for me.  But i think this time is different i feel my will to succeed is stronger and i know I'm going to have some slip ups and down time.  But i cant let it get me down.  Which brings me to me to the next topic stress and comfort eating.  Adams step dad passed away and it was unexpected.  He had diabetes and developed pneumonia, and within 24 hrs it took him.  I find that so scary.  It makes me realize how much more susceptible people with diabetes are to those things.  I think about the warning about that my doctor gave me, and realize now how much they matter.  I have to take care of myself.  I'm the only one that can.  I am responsible for my own choices.  So no excuse, i don't have to eat it because its in front of me, i can politely decline most people understand, also just because food is at a party doesn't mean i have to eat it, as good as it may be.  This week i know I'm going to have a hard time, i don't deal with death real well.  It scares me beyond belief.  Its hard dealing with things that you cant control or change...   We leave Wednesday, but i can do it and be responsible for my own choices and supportive at the same time.  Life's all about finding that balance that works for you.

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Im really looking forward to the holidays this year.  My inlaws are coming down, so that will be a nice change.  Im hoping it will be a somewhat mini vacation.  Because i really need one about now.  I went to the gym awesome last week but this week didnt do so hot. I guess some weeks im more motivated, and this one wasnt one of them.  I will lose weight because i dont really have a choice in the matter, plus im super excited about all the cute clothes i can wear in the spring.  The holidays will be a little more challenging but as long as i keep a close eye on what i eat, and if i do eat something bad, then i just need to eat one piece.  I can really put away some chocolate and pizza,lol and top it off with a 6 pack of dr pepper,lol....  These new changes arent really that bad, very inconvent but the foods not bad.  Although i am really sick of chicken, and have been craving steak like you would not belive, its the weirdest thing ever, if you really know me.    This  thanksgiving im making a low carb menu, so it will be different.  Im sure adam will complain about every single thing.  He doesnt seem to be happy unless he is having fast food.   Its a hard habit to break but i know it can be done.  I did it, and so can he.
 Im so tired tonight, its kinda been a rough day.

When life gives you lemons, please, just don't squirt them in other people's eyes

So today turned it to another family war.  But it was bound to happen because their were still tense feeling from the last one, that never really got resolved.   People just don't know when to stop.  Before it would really really bother me, now it still does but not as much.  I know who i am.  I know that i have done things wrong, and their has been times i  have talked crap about people.  BUT i don't lie about it when asked, i may shamefully admit it because i know better.  But what really really gets under my skin is when people lie about it.  Your caught now just admit the freaking truth, don't try to play the victim.  Own up to your mistakes.  Maybe that's just something i have learned with age.  I have no problem apologizing and admitting when I'm at fault, have the time i still do it even when I'm not at fault.   I'm am just sooo unbelievably irritate.  i don't know whether i should just delete these people or what.  But jealousy is not a pretty thing.  I have just had it,  With all the bulling lately.  It reminds me of when i was younger and i would go around family and never feel good enough because i was fatter then all the cousins, or they would ask about grades and try to be compared.  Your not stupid when your little you know your being judged.  I felt like i got judged from a early age, that i was never good enough.  I didn't have 2 parents, we didn't make alot of money, i made bad grades and i was fat.  Which seem to make me targets of criticism and snide remarks. 
  Little did i know that those who were hurting me were making me stronger, and didn't even realize it.  So cut to today, yes I'm still fat, and i don't get graded and never went to college, still don't have alot of money!  But what i do have is worth more then all that because i have integrity, pride and self worth, and more importantly i have God.  I don't need to take all the crap people hand me.  I am full, I'm not empty or shallow.  I don't need to start drama and lie about it.  Yes this will piss some people off but oh well. 
I have a drive in me. 
 I will not be stopped.
I don't know what it is, but its always been there, and the more crap that people try to put on me, and put me down.  Well the flame just grows brighter, and I'm going to shine no matter what!!!  I don't care if that sounds cocky, because its not meant to be.  I am confident in where i am going.  My past and all the judging has made me stronger.  I have a thick skin, and its not from tanning lol
This was supposed to be just a nice blog but well that didn't happen i have way to much on my mind.