BIG plans for the New Year!

So i have thought about it, and i mean really thought about it.  My life that is....  Where is it going? Which direction am i going?  Are these the right choices im making?  Where do my priority's lie? What motivates me?  These just some of the million questions that have been floating around in my head for the last month.  I feel like i have reach a critical point in my life where i need to choose the path i want to follow.  And of course i want to make sure Adam is on board with all my decisions im planning to make.  He is and has always been so supportive on me.  I couldn't ask for a better husband and best friend.  He really is my everything,  we do have ups and downs just like every other married couple but i still feel in love with him as the first day i met him. :)  Which is what brings me to my next decision.  Its time for us to get a move on this family thing :)  
I have decided that school isnt right for me right now.  As much as i would love to go back to school, i would love even more to have a family.   So i guess that answers a few of my questions on what motivates me.  I feel if i went to school i couldn't give my undivided attention to starting the family process.  Of course this process wont be how people usually start a family because me and Adam are going to adopt through foster.  I have decided that im done with the fertility treatments, they are very costly and there's not a 100% guarantee, Not even a 50%.  I still will pursee my weight loss and hope Adam will get healthy right along with me, and maybe then God will deiced to bless us with another child.  But all the same whether its natural or adopted the love will still be the same for it because i want a large family. I still got to work on Adam about that one,lol.  
We do have a long list of todo's before this happens, which i will blog about when the time is right.  Yall know im not a secretive person,lol  Just trying to get a few things balanced and together first.  But i want this to be me and Adams last Christmas childless.  
I know it will be hard going through fostering the kids till we get one that we can adopt, but i really believe this is the direction that were supposed to go.  I feel very strongly about it.  So we may have a few broken hearts along the way but it will be worth it in the end.
 So anyways that's the big changes we have planned for this year.  

Putting your fears aside

So the more i think about going to school for the ichthyology or zoology, the more i really want to purse it.  I realize that I'm a not a "smart" person in a few areas.  But after talking with a few people about this i think i can totally give it a go.  I'm not saying i wont be horrible and flunk out of college, but if i can get it paid for why not try.  I don't want to have any regrets of things i wish i would have done.  Because right now i have tons of them.  I don't want my life to be full of wishes.  I feel its time to start taking action.  So I'm going to do my research, and find out what schools provide what i need, and tutoring and all that good stuff.  I have a learning disability when it comes to math, which that's always been the stopper for me.  I HATE math, and going into such a scientific field, well that scares me.  But i need to start facing my fears, and give it my best shot.  If i cant hack it,  well at least i will know that i tried.  What is meant to be will be....  A journey of a thousand miles starts with one step....  So i will be taking mine this fall hopefully

Dream Chaser

"If you're going to be thinking, you may as well think big." Donald Trump 

Some days i just wake up with ideals in my head, well the ideals have always been there.  Its weird i guess how my mind thinks.  I go along fine, and then i get a pull that i cant ignore.  I cant even describe how it feels.  I guess its the need for change.  And it doesn't come on slowly with me, its always like a strong crash that i cant ignore, and nothing triggers it.  I just wake up and it happens.   Maybe its something bigger inside of you desiring more then your giving.  I'm not sure what to even call it, so ill just call it the dream.  I think all people have them.  But what defines you is where will your dreams take you?  Will you change them into reality?  I honestly think when people set there mind to do something, resources or not if you want it bad enough it will be done.   Not knowing what you want is where alot of people get stuck.  I have the opposite, i know what i want.  My fear is failing or succeeding, sometimes its hard for me to tell them apart.  Because every failure, is one step closer to success.  It probably sounds like I'm talking in circles, but I'm sure there is some people that understand what i mean.  

Its scary going after what you want.  I wish i could rewind time, but that cant be done.  (yet) lol j/k 

Basically what I'm getting at is i want a life change.  I want to live near a ocean, work at a aquarium or zoo.  Something is the marine biology, or zoology field.  Those who know me,  know i love doing hair, and makeup. But i also LOVE animals!!  Ever since i was little i would go to the zoo, and say that i wanted to work there.  I also have a shark obsession, yes its weird i know.  I'm kinda a  nerd, well when it comes to animals anyways. 

I just don't know how to get from where I'm at now to where i want to be?  I'm pretty good at ignoring obstacles,lol  But well money is a pretty big one.  I know i could do the science and biology, but the thought of math scares me beyond belief.  i have problem with grade school math,lol.    Its not that i think I'm dumb, going by my grades in school i kinda always just excepted that.  But the truth is i hated high school, and i didn't study or do my homework.   So that's not really a good comparison.   If your reading this and i do your hair don't freak out,lol  were talking like a good 5 yrs before even considering a career change ;)  

I just had to get this off my mind, and any advise you have on grants, aid, info, would be appreciated.  I don't even know where to Begin,  but i do know all the good things in life started with a dream.

New Challenges

Lots of challenges, as i face these upcoming holidays.  Thanksgiving wasn't really my down fall it was the few days before and after that got me.  My in laws from Illinois came to visit,  i did good on the nights where i cooked, but the nights where we went out to eat since Adam was off.  Well that was kinda my kryponite, because i would think i have never been to this place before.  And lets face it no one wants to eat salad 24/7.  I do feel like most of the places i went to i made as healthy choices as i could like tea instead of dr pepper, and no potatoes, or starchy foods.  But the extras that most restaurants cook their food with is crazy all the oils, butter and not to mention crazy sodium.  But even in bad situations where i don't make the best food choices, i feel like i learn from them.  Yesterday when we went to pops i did have dr p of  course and some vanilla Carmel cream soda which could easily become my favorite.  i like to call it creme brulle in a bottle lol.   Thankfully i have already lost 2 of the 5 i gained this week.  I'm hoping alot of it is water weight because i feel like my fingers are going to pop open because of the swelling.  I find myself thinking i cant believe i used to eat like this everyday, but i also see on the other "swollen" hand how easy it could be to fall back in to those same patterns.   This is defiantly a learning time for me.  But i think this time is different i feel my will to succeed is stronger and i know I'm going to have some slip ups and down time.  But i cant let it get me down.  Which brings me to me to the next topic stress and comfort eating.  Adams step dad passed away and it was unexpected.  He had diabetes and developed pneumonia, and within 24 hrs it took him.  I find that so scary.  It makes me realize how much more susceptible people with diabetes are to those things.  I think about the warning about that my doctor gave me, and realize now how much they matter.  I have to take care of myself.  I'm the only one that can.  I am responsible for my own choices.  So no excuse, i don't have to eat it because its in front of me, i can politely decline most people understand, also just because food is at a party doesn't mean i have to eat it, as good as it may be.  This week i know I'm going to have a hard time, i don't deal with death real well.  It scares me beyond belief.  Its hard dealing with things that you cant control or change...   We leave Wednesday, but i can do it and be responsible for my own choices and supportive at the same time.  Life's all about finding that balance that works for you.

blah

Im really looking forward to the holidays this year.  My inlaws are coming down, so that will be a nice change.  Im hoping it will be a somewhat mini vacation.  Because i really need one about now.  I went to the gym awesome last week but this week didnt do so hot. I guess some weeks im more motivated, and this one wasnt one of them.  I will lose weight because i dont really have a choice in the matter, plus im super excited about all the cute clothes i can wear in the spring.  The holidays will be a little more challenging but as long as i keep a close eye on what i eat, and if i do eat something bad, then i just need to eat one piece.  I can really put away some chocolate and pizza,lol and top it off with a 6 pack of dr pepper,lol....  These new changes arent really that bad, very inconvent but the foods not bad.  Although i am really sick of chicken, and have been craving steak like you would not belive, its the weirdest thing ever, if you really know me.    This  thanksgiving im making a low carb menu, so it will be different.  Im sure adam will complain about every single thing.  He doesnt seem to be happy unless he is having fast food.   Its a hard habit to break but i know it can be done.  I did it, and so can he.
 Im so tired tonight, its kinda been a rough day.

When life gives you lemons, please, just don't squirt them in other people's eyes

So today turned it to another family war.  But it was bound to happen because their were still tense feeling from the last one, that never really got resolved.   People just don't know when to stop.  Before it would really really bother me, now it still does but not as much.  I know who i am.  I know that i have done things wrong, and their has been times i  have talked crap about people.  BUT i don't lie about it when asked, i may shamefully admit it because i know better.  But what really really gets under my skin is when people lie about it.  Your caught now just admit the freaking truth, don't try to play the victim.  Own up to your mistakes.  Maybe that's just something i have learned with age.  I have no problem apologizing and admitting when I'm at fault, have the time i still do it even when I'm not at fault.   I'm am just sooo unbelievably irritate.  i don't know whether i should just delete these people or what.  But jealousy is not a pretty thing.  I have just had it,  With all the bulling lately.  It reminds me of when i was younger and i would go around family and never feel good enough because i was fatter then all the cousins, or they would ask about grades and try to be compared.  Your not stupid when your little you know your being judged.  I felt like i got judged from a early age, that i was never good enough.  I didn't have 2 parents, we didn't make alot of money, i made bad grades and i was fat.  Which seem to make me targets of criticism and snide remarks. 
  Little did i know that those who were hurting me were making me stronger, and didn't even realize it.  So cut to today, yes I'm still fat, and i don't get graded and never went to college, still don't have alot of money!  But what i do have is worth more then all that because i have integrity, pride and self worth, and more importantly i have God.  I don't need to take all the crap people hand me.  I am full, I'm not empty or shallow.  I don't need to start drama and lie about it.  Yes this will piss some people off but oh well. 
I have a drive in me. 
 I will not be stopped.
I don't know what it is, but its always been there, and the more crap that people try to put on me, and put me down.  Well the flame just grows brighter, and I'm going to shine no matter what!!!  I don't care if that sounds cocky, because its not meant to be.  I am confident in where i am going.  My past and all the judging has made me stronger.  I have a thick skin, and its not from tanning lol
This was supposed to be just a nice blog but well that didn't happen i have way to much on my mind.

3 C's

Its been a while since i have blogged my lap top is having some problems, and my work has been super slow lately.  Im hoping it will pick up around the holidays though.
I have had a few slip ups this weekend with my new life style changes.  But i guess thats bound to happen sometimes, as long as i dont make it a habit.  i went to the gym tonight, well i think i went a few times last week also, but tonight was really hard.  Maybe im fixing to start, because all i want to do is lock myself in a big box of chocolate and eat my way out,lol The 3 C's are what gets me in trouble, chocolate, cheese and coke.  I could live off all 3 lol. 
I just wish i could wake up thin and healthy but i know thats not the reality of it.  not giving up is the hard part.   But on a better note, im really excited about halloween.  Ever since i was little, i LOVED dressing up.  I always thought it was sooo much fun.  This year im going to be peg bundy, since my hair is red right now i might as well get use out of it.  This is short because im tired and cant stop scratching?  i got some weird rash on my face and hands?  so anyways goodnight

Meant For More

Sometimes i really think certain things are meant to be, its like people say certain things and it just hits you like someone punched you in the stomach and now your awake. I feel like right now I'm on the right path, with my health and my career.  I couldn't be happier doing what i love, it makes me so happy. But there is still that missing piece in my life, and that's the piece that's wants a family.
I realize that i can have a baby and it will happen, but i also realize that their is a need for kids with out homes, that have no one for the holidays or to take them on hay rides, to do the little things in life.  I feel like my heart is big enough that i can adopt and have natural kids and feel the same.  I just feel that i should be giving more.  I have had the thought of adoption before and just kinda put it out of focus for a while because we lived in a apt and in the ghetto, but things are different, and we are working our way to starting over in so many words. 
So i talked to Adam yesterday, and i kinda already know that he thinks adoption is a good thing, but obviously we have to work as a team.  He agreed that he thought it would be a good things also to have a blended family, i know that he doesn't feel any different about all the great brothers and sisters he has and he has like 10 thousand not really lol but alot!! 
Were giving a year to prepare and straighten out some finical situations that we have.  Honestly i don't care if people judge me and are like umm yall cant afford a kid and so on, because if everyone waited till they could their would be very little children in the world!  just thought i would throw that in for the talkers.. Because when you have to make it, you do make it.  i don't know how but it always works out and me, and Adam are never lacking.
I don't know why i just feel so strongly about this. It just broke my heart when my customer and me were talking about it yesterday.   I'm getting older and i want a big family.  I think me and Adam are both getting to the point where we really want something more.
I'm giving it a  year, so we can handle the situations, get the house ready and so on.  Then what we are going to do is adopt through dhs, its not nearly as crazy amount of legal cost and adoption cost as through regular adoption but Its defiantly affordable and the concept is still the same, we are helping a child in need.  We are very excited for all the changes to come.

Overwhelmed

Today has been hard...
This week has been hard...
I wonder can i do this for the rest of my life?

I guess i just have to take one day at a time because if i dont it overwhelms me, to the point where i feel like im going to have a panic attack.  Panic attack over food? maybe i am addicted.  Or maybe its just because i know my life will never be the same?  But look where same has gotten me, overweight with blood pressure and blood sugar problems.  Its holding me back from everything i want to accomplish.  
I dont know if the problem i have is with food or is it with myself?
I feel like im going through alot right now, and well im not really happy.  I dont feel really sad either.  I just feel weird.  Weird is the best way to describe it.  I feel like im stuck on a mariago round, and that im slowly slipping off, and it just keeps going faster and faster, to the point where i can hold on any longer.  Im not really a stressful person but i have alot on my mind at work situations that are not under my control, and it just breaks my heart that i cant just make it all go away, but i know with prayers that it will work out, but sometimes it just weighs heavy on your mind.
Today i had some chocolate.  It was so good.  I dont know why i did it.  I dont know if it was the stress getting to me, or the fact i knew i couldnt have it.  I felt so guilty, all i could think about is i dont want to go blind.  The drs have me so scared, with all the info that i feel like my head is going to explode.  I do okay at meals, i have been living off of salad, lean meat and veggies.  Its just when that sugar urge hits me its hard to ignore, but i got to learn. 
I feel like thier is something wrong with me?  That this shouldnt be so hard.
Life style changes suck,  i didnt even get a last dinner before they took away all my carbs, a goodbye would have been nice.  Maybe one last enchilada dinner with beans and rice with a big dr pepper to wash it down.  i guess a girl can dream,lol

The Damage has been done...

I had my dreaded dr appt today.   Surprise surprise i have diabetes.   At least i had a week to prepare myself for it.  I was proud that i didnt just break down and cry in the dr office.  I feel like i handled it very well.  Besides i prefer crying alone,lol im not a pretty cryer.    Im just trying to get informed as i can to handle this.  Im going to a diebtes class in a few months, the dr sent me home with paper work and meds -janumet that i have to take twice a day.  

I knew it was coming,  it was almost like something in my life had to give for me to take stuff serious.  Now i have no choice.  I asked her if i lose weight will i still have diabetes, im confused how that works?   So my dr explained that once your blood sugar goes out of whack in the 300s that the damage to the pancreas and insulin has already been done.  She said that by diet and exercise and meds that it will go down to manageable but you still have diabetes because the damage has already been done.

So i looks  like i have taken my health for granted a little to long, by just barely getting by.    I really dont feel as bad as i thought i was going to, or  maybe im just waiting for that second rounds of emotions to come and engulf me.  I guess im just "there" right now.   Im sure ill have good days and bad days, today doesnt feel like either right now.  Maybe im just numb or maybe i really do have a handle on all of it, i guess only time will tell. 

I was never any good at control,  so now its kinda weird because thats what my lfe is going to be all about.  Controlling my health.  Im on a pretty strick diet right now, and i have to exercise daily for my bs.   Diabetes brings alot of bad things and makes you prone to all kindas of crap,  But im hoping that it will bring out the good things in me, like strengh i didnt know i had, along with will power.  Also the realization that i do have some control over what goes in to my body.  My weight loss is at 17 lbs,  i hope to have atleast lost that much more by Christmas,  but since i cant eat anything good, it may be by Halloween,lol.  

So anyways thats my blog today, i cant predict how i feel in the future ones, jurys still out.

A Little goes along way

Today has been the best day I have had in a week!! I got my sleep in, I slept from 11pm till 1pm today. I felt so relaxed from it. When I finally woke up me and Adam went walking at little river so I did another mile. I did mess up and eat some potoes last night, so I kinda freaked out about that :(. I guess I'm still learning and can't expect to be perfect after only a week. I'm still stuck at 16 PBS lost the scale doesn't seem to be moving even though I have cut my calories by 1/3 or what ever is more then half, maybe my body is confused and it thinks it's starving or something?? Surely I got to start losing more weight since I'm exercising and eating way different.

My headache is finally gone that I had since last Saturday I didn't think it was ever going to go away. I feel like my overall mood is way better,I don't feel sad anymore. I gave it all up to god, every situation and all my stress. It made a difference. I go to the dr tommmrow and thier going to do more test, so I will know more. I am determined to beat this or prevent it if I get lucky and don't have it. Either way I'm taking charge of my life.

Even Optimist get down

I would like to say things have gotten easier, or that life is great right now, but things pretty much suck.  Im feeling kinda depressed and out of control, im also at odds with my family right now so that adds a little more stress on my plate.   I feel like i shouldnt complain because i know people going through alot worse then me right now, but i have to get it out.  I feel like my head is going to explode and it doesnt help that i have had a headache for 3 freakin days.  I just keep reminding myself to take a deep breath and that it will all be okay.  I guess im just sad.   I can cry on demand any sec right now.  I guess mostly im mad at myself right now.  Im mad that i let my self go.  Im mad that i just cant make everything be magically alright,  Im scared im going to have to get shots everyday, im scared that im not going to be able to have kids, a home that we own.  I have a big long list of fears and i just feel very overwhelmed.  I want to just be alone, and i never want to be alone, i usually love people, but i find myself hateing them this week.    

i feel like my emotions are raw.


I really dont know why im taking this so hard, but its so hard giving up all the things you love instantly.  I am literally scared to eat because everytime i eat my bs raises 100 + points.  No matter what i eat, it jumps and when i wake up its always 250 after fasting.  I know im going to the dr monday.  I also know if i do have diabetes its not the end of the world.  But it feels like it for me right now.  Maybe its the not eating making me so emotional.  I weighed today and i have lost a total of 16 pds, and i think about the 150 more i have to go and its sooo overwhelming.  I was going to go to the gym today but i ran out of gas.  Things are crappy right now.   I know they will get better, i am a true optimist but right now i feel like i have just been kicked really hard, and its taking me a little longer to get back up.  
I know when i look back on this next yr that i will feel like its the best thing thats ever happened to me, if i continue on the path im on, which i really have no choice.  I guess im the type of person that needs drastic before i make decisions or stick with those decisions.   So for now, im just going to continue doing the things im doing, well the good things anyways, and pray.  I will know more monday.

just my thoughts

Today was another wake up call :(  I bought a blood sugar testing kit, thinking that it was going to be somewhat normal, nope still freaking high 245 .  I was very disappointed because i had worked so hard that past 2 days. I am new to this blood sugar crap so i dont know how long it takes before it goes down. 
Today has not been easy in the least bit, i dont know why today has been so hard. I guess when you go from nothing to serious in 2 secs it just shocks your body.  I am soo tired, for no reason.   I did walk a mile today so thats a start.  But i have a confession :(  i thought i was going to die if i didnt have something sweet which is kinda ironic if you think about it, so i went to braums and searched out the lowest carb and sugar ice cream they have.  Old habbits die hard, but atleast im making better choices when i totally jack up.  Today is day 2 of no Dr pepper, but thats only hard after i eat.
I hate stress!! i hate money worries, i hate lots of things really.  So this is going to be one of those blogs,lol.
So while im on my grumpy kick, its soo annoying when people cant get along, really?  i dont understanding the judgeing of others?  No body is any better then anyone else.  People get riled up over the dumbest things,  Im a people observer by nature and i try to understand why people do and say the things they do.  I feel old enough to know better, am i the only one that knows better?  Am i the only one that sees catty comments really do hurt peoples feelings.  Some times i feel like our family is turning into ww3, nobody gets along, or for very long.  I dont know im just so frustrated.  I just dont feel like we spend enough times with our family because you never know how long someone will be with you, i mean people dont live forever.  So we should all try to spend time toghter and really love each other like we should.

The Lies we tell ourselfs are the worst kind

I have decided to start blogging again, i find it very therapeutic.  And i have alot to say, my mind is constantly going. 
 So first things first, lets start with health.  I have decided to inrogre my health and just eat what ever tasted good with out ever thinking of the consequences, sure i watched what i ate, well i watched it go in my mouth,lol  but umm i don't think that counts.  I hate responsibility, anyone who really knows me knows that. But i Finally feel a sense of urgency to get healthy.  I don't want to die early, i really love life, and i don't want to take myself for granted. 
 I really do believe if i put my mind to it i can accomplish so much,  but here we go again, with me deep down being more afraid to succeed then fail.  Maybe its because i have low self esteem so i don't think i deserve it?  I'm just trying to analyze myself. Either way,  i have been lieing to myself, telling myself the things i do daily really don't have a effect on me.  But that's a lie.  I got alot of bad habits.  I love sugar and I'm addicted to crap food.  i also just enjoy coming home and turning into a big blog in front of the TV and not moving till Adam get home, and then pretending i was oh so busy all night. lol  Side notes- these blogs are going to be completely honest, so i still hope you like me after reading these,lol-----  side note ended. 
  So anyways,  Health aside,  things with me and Adam are going good.  We just had our 5 yr Anny so YAY!  sure their are times when we want to kill each other but they are becoming less and less and i really cant imagein myself with out him.  He really is my best friend and the other half of me.  Speaking of friends,  i feel that people come into your life at the right times and reasons.  
 Early this year when i was thinking of switching salons just for financial reasons, i was scared to death!! because i truly loved everyone i worked with and i was very comfortable  to comfortable that i got lazy.  When i did switch, i was surprised.  Surprised how much i really missed my old friends and absolutely love the new ones i have made.  I feel like each one has helped me right when i needed it.  And it really helps to have that support from them,  i have learned so much.  This one is going to be kinda short since its my first one in a while. When i was walking in the park today, taking in the awesome day, sun shining, i realized how lucky i am, that i have the ability to change.  I don't have to be unhealthy.  i can be anything i want to be.  All i have to do is take it.