3 C's

Its been a while since i have blogged my lap top is having some problems, and my work has been super slow lately.  Im hoping it will pick up around the holidays though.
I have had a few slip ups this weekend with my new life style changes.  But i guess thats bound to happen sometimes, as long as i dont make it a habit.  i went to the gym tonight, well i think i went a few times last week also, but tonight was really hard.  Maybe im fixing to start, because all i want to do is lock myself in a big box of chocolate and eat my way out,lol The 3 C's are what gets me in trouble, chocolate, cheese and coke.  I could live off all 3 lol. 
I just wish i could wake up thin and healthy but i know thats not the reality of it.  not giving up is the hard part.   But on a better note, im really excited about halloween.  Ever since i was little, i LOVED dressing up.  I always thought it was sooo much fun.  This year im going to be peg bundy, since my hair is red right now i might as well get use out of it.  This is short because im tired and cant stop scratching?  i got some weird rash on my face and hands?  so anyways goodnight

Meant For More

Sometimes i really think certain things are meant to be, its like people say certain things and it just hits you like someone punched you in the stomach and now your awake. I feel like right now I'm on the right path, with my health and my career.  I couldn't be happier doing what i love, it makes me so happy. But there is still that missing piece in my life, and that's the piece that's wants a family.
I realize that i can have a baby and it will happen, but i also realize that their is a need for kids with out homes, that have no one for the holidays or to take them on hay rides, to do the little things in life.  I feel like my heart is big enough that i can adopt and have natural kids and feel the same.  I just feel that i should be giving more.  I have had the thought of adoption before and just kinda put it out of focus for a while because we lived in a apt and in the ghetto, but things are different, and we are working our way to starting over in so many words. 
So i talked to Adam yesterday, and i kinda already know that he thinks adoption is a good thing, but obviously we have to work as a team.  He agreed that he thought it would be a good things also to have a blended family, i know that he doesn't feel any different about all the great brothers and sisters he has and he has like 10 thousand not really lol but alot!! 
Were giving a year to prepare and straighten out some finical situations that we have.  Honestly i don't care if people judge me and are like umm yall cant afford a kid and so on, because if everyone waited till they could their would be very little children in the world!  just thought i would throw that in for the talkers.. Because when you have to make it, you do make it.  i don't know how but it always works out and me, and Adam are never lacking.
I don't know why i just feel so strongly about this. It just broke my heart when my customer and me were talking about it yesterday.   I'm getting older and i want a big family.  I think me and Adam are both getting to the point where we really want something more.
I'm giving it a  year, so we can handle the situations, get the house ready and so on.  Then what we are going to do is adopt through dhs, its not nearly as crazy amount of legal cost and adoption cost as through regular adoption but Its defiantly affordable and the concept is still the same, we are helping a child in need.  We are very excited for all the changes to come.

Overwhelmed

Today has been hard...
This week has been hard...
I wonder can i do this for the rest of my life?

I guess i just have to take one day at a time because if i dont it overwhelms me, to the point where i feel like im going to have a panic attack.  Panic attack over food? maybe i am addicted.  Or maybe its just because i know my life will never be the same?  But look where same has gotten me, overweight with blood pressure and blood sugar problems.  Its holding me back from everything i want to accomplish.  
I dont know if the problem i have is with food or is it with myself?
I feel like im going through alot right now, and well im not really happy.  I dont feel really sad either.  I just feel weird.  Weird is the best way to describe it.  I feel like im stuck on a mariago round, and that im slowly slipping off, and it just keeps going faster and faster, to the point where i can hold on any longer.  Im not really a stressful person but i have alot on my mind at work situations that are not under my control, and it just breaks my heart that i cant just make it all go away, but i know with prayers that it will work out, but sometimes it just weighs heavy on your mind.
Today i had some chocolate.  It was so good.  I dont know why i did it.  I dont know if it was the stress getting to me, or the fact i knew i couldnt have it.  I felt so guilty, all i could think about is i dont want to go blind.  The drs have me so scared, with all the info that i feel like my head is going to explode.  I do okay at meals, i have been living off of salad, lean meat and veggies.  Its just when that sugar urge hits me its hard to ignore, but i got to learn. 
I feel like thier is something wrong with me?  That this shouldnt be so hard.
Life style changes suck,  i didnt even get a last dinner before they took away all my carbs, a goodbye would have been nice.  Maybe one last enchilada dinner with beans and rice with a big dr pepper to wash it down.  i guess a girl can dream,lol

The Damage has been done...

I had my dreaded dr appt today.   Surprise surprise i have diabetes.   At least i had a week to prepare myself for it.  I was proud that i didnt just break down and cry in the dr office.  I feel like i handled it very well.  Besides i prefer crying alone,lol im not a pretty cryer.    Im just trying to get informed as i can to handle this.  Im going to a diebtes class in a few months, the dr sent me home with paper work and meds -janumet that i have to take twice a day.  

I knew it was coming,  it was almost like something in my life had to give for me to take stuff serious.  Now i have no choice.  I asked her if i lose weight will i still have diabetes, im confused how that works?   So my dr explained that once your blood sugar goes out of whack in the 300s that the damage to the pancreas and insulin has already been done.  She said that by diet and exercise and meds that it will go down to manageable but you still have diabetes because the damage has already been done.

So i looks  like i have taken my health for granted a little to long, by just barely getting by.    I really dont feel as bad as i thought i was going to, or  maybe im just waiting for that second rounds of emotions to come and engulf me.  I guess im just "there" right now.   Im sure ill have good days and bad days, today doesnt feel like either right now.  Maybe im just numb or maybe i really do have a handle on all of it, i guess only time will tell. 

I was never any good at control,  so now its kinda weird because thats what my lfe is going to be all about.  Controlling my health.  Im on a pretty strick diet right now, and i have to exercise daily for my bs.   Diabetes brings alot of bad things and makes you prone to all kindas of crap,  But im hoping that it will bring out the good things in me, like strengh i didnt know i had, along with will power.  Also the realization that i do have some control over what goes in to my body.  My weight loss is at 17 lbs,  i hope to have atleast lost that much more by Christmas,  but since i cant eat anything good, it may be by Halloween,lol.  

So anyways thats my blog today, i cant predict how i feel in the future ones, jurys still out.

A Little goes along way

Today has been the best day I have had in a week!! I got my sleep in, I slept from 11pm till 1pm today. I felt so relaxed from it. When I finally woke up me and Adam went walking at little river so I did another mile. I did mess up and eat some potoes last night, so I kinda freaked out about that :(. I guess I'm still learning and can't expect to be perfect after only a week. I'm still stuck at 16 PBS lost the scale doesn't seem to be moving even though I have cut my calories by 1/3 or what ever is more then half, maybe my body is confused and it thinks it's starving or something?? Surely I got to start losing more weight since I'm exercising and eating way different.

My headache is finally gone that I had since last Saturday I didn't think it was ever going to go away. I feel like my overall mood is way better,I don't feel sad anymore. I gave it all up to god, every situation and all my stress. It made a difference. I go to the dr tommmrow and thier going to do more test, so I will know more. I am determined to beat this or prevent it if I get lucky and don't have it. Either way I'm taking charge of my life.

Even Optimist get down

I would like to say things have gotten easier, or that life is great right now, but things pretty much suck.  Im feeling kinda depressed and out of control, im also at odds with my family right now so that adds a little more stress on my plate.   I feel like i shouldnt complain because i know people going through alot worse then me right now, but i have to get it out.  I feel like my head is going to explode and it doesnt help that i have had a headache for 3 freakin days.  I just keep reminding myself to take a deep breath and that it will all be okay.  I guess im just sad.   I can cry on demand any sec right now.  I guess mostly im mad at myself right now.  Im mad that i let my self go.  Im mad that i just cant make everything be magically alright,  Im scared im going to have to get shots everyday, im scared that im not going to be able to have kids, a home that we own.  I have a big long list of fears and i just feel very overwhelmed.  I want to just be alone, and i never want to be alone, i usually love people, but i find myself hateing them this week.    

i feel like my emotions are raw.


I really dont know why im taking this so hard, but its so hard giving up all the things you love instantly.  I am literally scared to eat because everytime i eat my bs raises 100 + points.  No matter what i eat, it jumps and when i wake up its always 250 after fasting.  I know im going to the dr monday.  I also know if i do have diabetes its not the end of the world.  But it feels like it for me right now.  Maybe its the not eating making me so emotional.  I weighed today and i have lost a total of 16 pds, and i think about the 150 more i have to go and its sooo overwhelming.  I was going to go to the gym today but i ran out of gas.  Things are crappy right now.   I know they will get better, i am a true optimist but right now i feel like i have just been kicked really hard, and its taking me a little longer to get back up.  
I know when i look back on this next yr that i will feel like its the best thing thats ever happened to me, if i continue on the path im on, which i really have no choice.  I guess im the type of person that needs drastic before i make decisions or stick with those decisions.   So for now, im just going to continue doing the things im doing, well the good things anyways, and pray.  I will know more monday.