i just cant seem to get it together

So i really think that I'm going through a midlife crisis, or something.  I feel like i cant seem to get it together, or keep it together for some reason. 
Adams on vacation today well actually all week, and i stayed here to work trying to be a responsible adult.  I started a job at smart style, and stopped booth rental.  Let me first start off by saying i DONT enjoy change at all, and even though adam may get mad at me, hes kinda the pressuring type to do better, and make more money and try hourly and so on.  I dont think he means to be that way but well he is lol.  And i do understand that to a certain degree.  But i think im a different type of person, yes money is helpful but its not everything.   I just want to love what i do, and i didnt realize how much i LOVED booth rent, making my own hours, using my own products, giving my undivided time to my customers, not try to get them out because people are lining up.  I think smart style seem like a good place to work, but after 8 yrs off booth rent thats just to big of a change for me to make.  I am just going to have to find a busyer salon and push myself even further, because i LOVE what i do, i love being able to do makeovers, and giving discounts for referrals.  I guess i just love running my "own" business.  I may not make enough right now to make it count alot, but i just know in the long run i will.  Im just not ready to give up yet.  I am just so passionate about what i do.   I dont want to get myself in a big mess, and thats what i feel like i have done by trying to please adam because he is my husband, and i dont want to put us in a worse situation.  I think thats the risk you take when you marry  a hairdresser, kinda like a musician, you just never know what tomorrow will bring.   
Today when i got in my car and left i just lost it, because i felt like i was going to be in "trouble"  i hate that feeling, i felt lost.  I feel like i have lost my intuition by trying to please everybody around me, getting pulled in a million directions. My head tells me one thing and my gut tells me another,  this time i went with my gut.   Im going to take a few days and find somewhere thats a good fit for me, that i can make money to keep the hubby from griping but in the mean time still feel creative.  So thats the plan, im sorry if i left anyone hanging :( that was never my intent.  So keep me in your prayers that i will find the right place.

My advice

Is don't do it! Never do it!!

This was a lot harder then i thought.....

So this job searching stuff has been a lot harder then i expected!!  I have applied about 47 places.  I'm very persistent, maybe to persistent.   Buts its because of pressure.  I feel the pressure of getting my car fixed, and getting my meds paid for, because I'm pretty much screwed if i don't have a 2nd job before my samples run out.  Luckily i have about 3 more weeks worth.  
I just don't understand, i have been cranking out resumes and applications like crazy.  Its become like a full time job.  I hear its so hard to get a job in this economy because no one is hiring, if that's the case whats with all the want adds?  I have great work experience, its just so frustrating.  
I have a interview tomorrow that i was really excited about till Adam went over my odds, then i was like great :(  so I'm no longer excited just nervous and not expecting the best anymore.  I'm not very good at the whole competition thing, not really a competitor.  I just got to keep on applying like crazy to everywhere.  I have applied everywhere from Devon energy to walmart.  
I just got to remember it all will work out and i just got to breathe.  Remind myself I'm not drowning, i can do this.  I have to have pep talks with myself, or i will get really depressed thinking about everything.  This week was a short work week because of the weather and me getting rides, my m om really didn't want to get out and pick me up from work, but luckily my people were good about switching over till tomorrow. 
My ultimate goal is to be successful as a makeup artist/hair dresser, so it does feel really odd that I'm looking for a additional job.  I feel like I'm moving off the road :(  but i guess its just a detour.  You never know what life will throw at you....

Domino Effect

It seems when one thing goes wrong, other things follow.  I guess that would be Murphy's law.  I swear I'm usually a optimist, but i have ran into some bad luck or situations it seems.  They are really getting me down.  I hate that money does seem to make the world go round. 

  I feel like i have failed at making it at doing what i love.  I love doing hair! i feel like it gives me freedom to create, its very fulfilling for me.  But unfortunately me and Adam cant make it on full feeling alone.  So it has been a really hard decision for me but I'm going to get a 2nd job.  I will still be doing hair full time,  But I'm going to rearrange my hours to working at night. Night is when the majority of my clientele get their hair done.  I will also be working normal Saturdays.  This is not something i want to do but i have to.   I have great clientele so I'm sure they will understand, and hopefully it wont effect them to much.  It really stresses me out thinking about it because i feel like a really failed at making it.  
But once me and Adam get caught up and seem to have a little more freedom, plus it wont feel like its all on his shoulders.  Like i said before this was a really hard desion for me, I'm trying to take the route to effect as little people as possible..  I feel like I'm just rambling on, but i needed to relive some stress and writing does that for me.  So on that note, if you hear of any places hiring m-f $10 up office work, let me know.

BIG plans for the New Year!

So i have thought about it, and i mean really thought about it.  My life that is....  Where is it going? Which direction am i going?  Are these the right choices im making?  Where do my priority's lie? What motivates me?  These just some of the million questions that have been floating around in my head for the last month.  I feel like i have reach a critical point in my life where i need to choose the path i want to follow.  And of course i want to make sure Adam is on board with all my decisions im planning to make.  He is and has always been so supportive on me.  I couldn't ask for a better husband and best friend.  He really is my everything,  we do have ups and downs just like every other married couple but i still feel in love with him as the first day i met him. :)  Which is what brings me to my next decision.  Its time for us to get a move on this family thing :)  
I have decided that school isnt right for me right now.  As much as i would love to go back to school, i would love even more to have a family.   So i guess that answers a few of my questions on what motivates me.  I feel if i went to school i couldn't give my undivided attention to starting the family process.  Of course this process wont be how people usually start a family because me and Adam are going to adopt through foster.  I have decided that im done with the fertility treatments, they are very costly and there's not a 100% guarantee, Not even a 50%.  I still will pursee my weight loss and hope Adam will get healthy right along with me, and maybe then God will deiced to bless us with another child.  But all the same whether its natural or adopted the love will still be the same for it because i want a large family. I still got to work on Adam about that one,lol.  
We do have a long list of todo's before this happens, which i will blog about when the time is right.  Yall know im not a secretive person,lol  Just trying to get a few things balanced and together first.  But i want this to be me and Adams last Christmas childless.  
I know it will be hard going through fostering the kids till we get one that we can adopt, but i really believe this is the direction that were supposed to go.  I feel very strongly about it.  So we may have a few broken hearts along the way but it will be worth it in the end.
 So anyways that's the big changes we have planned for this year.  

Putting your fears aside

So the more i think about going to school for the ichthyology or zoology, the more i really want to purse it.  I realize that I'm a not a "smart" person in a few areas.  But after talking with a few people about this i think i can totally give it a go.  I'm not saying i wont be horrible and flunk out of college, but if i can get it paid for why not try.  I don't want to have any regrets of things i wish i would have done.  Because right now i have tons of them.  I don't want my life to be full of wishes.  I feel its time to start taking action.  So I'm going to do my research, and find out what schools provide what i need, and tutoring and all that good stuff.  I have a learning disability when it comes to math, which that's always been the stopper for me.  I HATE math, and going into such a scientific field, well that scares me.  But i need to start facing my fears, and give it my best shot.  If i cant hack it,  well at least i will know that i tried.  What is meant to be will be....  A journey of a thousand miles starts with one step....  So i will be taking mine this fall hopefully

Dream Chaser

"If you're going to be thinking, you may as well think big." Donald Trump 

Some days i just wake up with ideals in my head, well the ideals have always been there.  Its weird i guess how my mind thinks.  I go along fine, and then i get a pull that i cant ignore.  I cant even describe how it feels.  I guess its the need for change.  And it doesn't come on slowly with me, its always like a strong crash that i cant ignore, and nothing triggers it.  I just wake up and it happens.   Maybe its something bigger inside of you desiring more then your giving.  I'm not sure what to even call it, so ill just call it the dream.  I think all people have them.  But what defines you is where will your dreams take you?  Will you change them into reality?  I honestly think when people set there mind to do something, resources or not if you want it bad enough it will be done.   Not knowing what you want is where alot of people get stuck.  I have the opposite, i know what i want.  My fear is failing or succeeding, sometimes its hard for me to tell them apart.  Because every failure, is one step closer to success.  It probably sounds like I'm talking in circles, but I'm sure there is some people that understand what i mean.  

Its scary going after what you want.  I wish i could rewind time, but that cant be done.  (yet) lol j/k 

Basically what I'm getting at is i want a life change.  I want to live near a ocean, work at a aquarium or zoo.  Something is the marine biology, or zoology field.  Those who know me,  know i love doing hair, and makeup. But i also LOVE animals!!  Ever since i was little i would go to the zoo, and say that i wanted to work there.  I also have a shark obsession, yes its weird i know.  I'm kinda a  nerd, well when it comes to animals anyways. 

I just don't know how to get from where I'm at now to where i want to be?  I'm pretty good at ignoring obstacles,lol  But well money is a pretty big one.  I know i could do the science and biology, but the thought of math scares me beyond belief.  i have problem with grade school math,lol.    Its not that i think I'm dumb, going by my grades in school i kinda always just excepted that.  But the truth is i hated high school, and i didn't study or do my homework.   So that's not really a good comparison.   If your reading this and i do your hair don't freak out,lol  were talking like a good 5 yrs before even considering a career change ;)  

I just had to get this off my mind, and any advise you have on grants, aid, info, would be appreciated.  I don't even know where to Begin,  but i do know all the good things in life started with a dream.