BIG plans for the New Year!

So i have thought about it, and i mean really thought about it.  My life that is....  Where is it going? Which direction am i going?  Are these the right choices im making?  Where do my priority's lie? What motivates me?  These just some of the million questions that have been floating around in my head for the last month.  I feel like i have reach a critical point in my life where i need to choose the path i want to follow.  And of course i want to make sure Adam is on board with all my decisions im planning to make.  He is and has always been so supportive on me.  I couldn't ask for a better husband and best friend.  He really is my everything,  we do have ups and downs just like every other married couple but i still feel in love with him as the first day i met him. :)  Which is what brings me to my next decision.  Its time for us to get a move on this family thing :)  
I have decided that school isnt right for me right now.  As much as i would love to go back to school, i would love even more to have a family.   So i guess that answers a few of my questions on what motivates me.  I feel if i went to school i couldn't give my undivided attention to starting the family process.  Of course this process wont be how people usually start a family because me and Adam are going to adopt through foster.  I have decided that im done with the fertility treatments, they are very costly and there's not a 100% guarantee, Not even a 50%.  I still will pursee my weight loss and hope Adam will get healthy right along with me, and maybe then God will deiced to bless us with another child.  But all the same whether its natural or adopted the love will still be the same for it because i want a large family. I still got to work on Adam about that one,lol.  
We do have a long list of todo's before this happens, which i will blog about when the time is right.  Yall know im not a secretive person,lol  Just trying to get a few things balanced and together first.  But i want this to be me and Adams last Christmas childless.  
I know it will be hard going through fostering the kids till we get one that we can adopt, but i really believe this is the direction that were supposed to go.  I feel very strongly about it.  So we may have a few broken hearts along the way but it will be worth it in the end.
 So anyways that's the big changes we have planned for this year.  

Putting your fears aside

So the more i think about going to school for the ichthyology or zoology, the more i really want to purse it.  I realize that I'm a not a "smart" person in a few areas.  But after talking with a few people about this i think i can totally give it a go.  I'm not saying i wont be horrible and flunk out of college, but if i can get it paid for why not try.  I don't want to have any regrets of things i wish i would have done.  Because right now i have tons of them.  I don't want my life to be full of wishes.  I feel its time to start taking action.  So I'm going to do my research, and find out what schools provide what i need, and tutoring and all that good stuff.  I have a learning disability when it comes to math, which that's always been the stopper for me.  I HATE math, and going into such a scientific field, well that scares me.  But i need to start facing my fears, and give it my best shot.  If i cant hack it,  well at least i will know that i tried.  What is meant to be will be....  A journey of a thousand miles starts with one step....  So i will be taking mine this fall hopefully

Dream Chaser

"If you're going to be thinking, you may as well think big." Donald Trump 

Some days i just wake up with ideals in my head, well the ideals have always been there.  Its weird i guess how my mind thinks.  I go along fine, and then i get a pull that i cant ignore.  I cant even describe how it feels.  I guess its the need for change.  And it doesn't come on slowly with me, its always like a strong crash that i cant ignore, and nothing triggers it.  I just wake up and it happens.   Maybe its something bigger inside of you desiring more then your giving.  I'm not sure what to even call it, so ill just call it the dream.  I think all people have them.  But what defines you is where will your dreams take you?  Will you change them into reality?  I honestly think when people set there mind to do something, resources or not if you want it bad enough it will be done.   Not knowing what you want is where alot of people get stuck.  I have the opposite, i know what i want.  My fear is failing or succeeding, sometimes its hard for me to tell them apart.  Because every failure, is one step closer to success.  It probably sounds like I'm talking in circles, but I'm sure there is some people that understand what i mean.  

Its scary going after what you want.  I wish i could rewind time, but that cant be done.  (yet) lol j/k 

Basically what I'm getting at is i want a life change.  I want to live near a ocean, work at a aquarium or zoo.  Something is the marine biology, or zoology field.  Those who know me,  know i love doing hair, and makeup. But i also LOVE animals!!  Ever since i was little i would go to the zoo, and say that i wanted to work there.  I also have a shark obsession, yes its weird i know.  I'm kinda a  nerd, well when it comes to animals anyways. 

I just don't know how to get from where I'm at now to where i want to be?  I'm pretty good at ignoring obstacles,lol  But well money is a pretty big one.  I know i could do the science and biology, but the thought of math scares me beyond belief.  i have problem with grade school math,lol.    Its not that i think I'm dumb, going by my grades in school i kinda always just excepted that.  But the truth is i hated high school, and i didn't study or do my homework.   So that's not really a good comparison.   If your reading this and i do your hair don't freak out,lol  were talking like a good 5 yrs before even considering a career change ;)  

I just had to get this off my mind, and any advise you have on grants, aid, info, would be appreciated.  I don't even know where to Begin,  but i do know all the good things in life started with a dream.

New Challenges

Lots of challenges, as i face these upcoming holidays.  Thanksgiving wasn't really my down fall it was the few days before and after that got me.  My in laws from Illinois came to visit,  i did good on the nights where i cooked, but the nights where we went out to eat since Adam was off.  Well that was kinda my kryponite, because i would think i have never been to this place before.  And lets face it no one wants to eat salad 24/7.  I do feel like most of the places i went to i made as healthy choices as i could like tea instead of dr pepper, and no potatoes, or starchy foods.  But the extras that most restaurants cook their food with is crazy all the oils, butter and not to mention crazy sodium.  But even in bad situations where i don't make the best food choices, i feel like i learn from them.  Yesterday when we went to pops i did have dr p of  course and some vanilla Carmel cream soda which could easily become my favorite.  i like to call it creme brulle in a bottle lol.   Thankfully i have already lost 2 of the 5 i gained this week.  I'm hoping alot of it is water weight because i feel like my fingers are going to pop open because of the swelling.  I find myself thinking i cant believe i used to eat like this everyday, but i also see on the other "swollen" hand how easy it could be to fall back in to those same patterns.   This is defiantly a learning time for me.  But i think this time is different i feel my will to succeed is stronger and i know I'm going to have some slip ups and down time.  But i cant let it get me down.  Which brings me to me to the next topic stress and comfort eating.  Adams step dad passed away and it was unexpected.  He had diabetes and developed pneumonia, and within 24 hrs it took him.  I find that so scary.  It makes me realize how much more susceptible people with diabetes are to those things.  I think about the warning about that my doctor gave me, and realize now how much they matter.  I have to take care of myself.  I'm the only one that can.  I am responsible for my own choices.  So no excuse, i don't have to eat it because its in front of me, i can politely decline most people understand, also just because food is at a party doesn't mean i have to eat it, as good as it may be.  This week i know I'm going to have a hard time, i don't deal with death real well.  It scares me beyond belief.  Its hard dealing with things that you cant control or change...   We leave Wednesday, but i can do it and be responsible for my own choices and supportive at the same time.  Life's all about finding that balance that works for you.

blah

Im really looking forward to the holidays this year.  My inlaws are coming down, so that will be a nice change.  Im hoping it will be a somewhat mini vacation.  Because i really need one about now.  I went to the gym awesome last week but this week didnt do so hot. I guess some weeks im more motivated, and this one wasnt one of them.  I will lose weight because i dont really have a choice in the matter, plus im super excited about all the cute clothes i can wear in the spring.  The holidays will be a little more challenging but as long as i keep a close eye on what i eat, and if i do eat something bad, then i just need to eat one piece.  I can really put away some chocolate and pizza,lol and top it off with a 6 pack of dr pepper,lol....  These new changes arent really that bad, very inconvent but the foods not bad.  Although i am really sick of chicken, and have been craving steak like you would not belive, its the weirdest thing ever, if you really know me.    This  thanksgiving im making a low carb menu, so it will be different.  Im sure adam will complain about every single thing.  He doesnt seem to be happy unless he is having fast food.   Its a hard habit to break but i know it can be done.  I did it, and so can he.
 Im so tired tonight, its kinda been a rough day.

When life gives you lemons, please, just don't squirt them in other people's eyes

So today turned it to another family war.  But it was bound to happen because their were still tense feeling from the last one, that never really got resolved.   People just don't know when to stop.  Before it would really really bother me, now it still does but not as much.  I know who i am.  I know that i have done things wrong, and their has been times i  have talked crap about people.  BUT i don't lie about it when asked, i may shamefully admit it because i know better.  But what really really gets under my skin is when people lie about it.  Your caught now just admit the freaking truth, don't try to play the victim.  Own up to your mistakes.  Maybe that's just something i have learned with age.  I have no problem apologizing and admitting when I'm at fault, have the time i still do it even when I'm not at fault.   I'm am just sooo unbelievably irritate.  i don't know whether i should just delete these people or what.  But jealousy is not a pretty thing.  I have just had it,  With all the bulling lately.  It reminds me of when i was younger and i would go around family and never feel good enough because i was fatter then all the cousins, or they would ask about grades and try to be compared.  Your not stupid when your little you know your being judged.  I felt like i got judged from a early age, that i was never good enough.  I didn't have 2 parents, we didn't make alot of money, i made bad grades and i was fat.  Which seem to make me targets of criticism and snide remarks. 
  Little did i know that those who were hurting me were making me stronger, and didn't even realize it.  So cut to today, yes I'm still fat, and i don't get graded and never went to college, still don't have alot of money!  But what i do have is worth more then all that because i have integrity, pride and self worth, and more importantly i have God.  I don't need to take all the crap people hand me.  I am full, I'm not empty or shallow.  I don't need to start drama and lie about it.  Yes this will piss some people off but oh well. 
I have a drive in me. 
 I will not be stopped.
I don't know what it is, but its always been there, and the more crap that people try to put on me, and put me down.  Well the flame just grows brighter, and I'm going to shine no matter what!!!  I don't care if that sounds cocky, because its not meant to be.  I am confident in where i am going.  My past and all the judging has made me stronger.  I have a thick skin, and its not from tanning lol
This was supposed to be just a nice blog but well that didn't happen i have way to much on my mind.

3 C's

Its been a while since i have blogged my lap top is having some problems, and my work has been super slow lately.  Im hoping it will pick up around the holidays though.
I have had a few slip ups this weekend with my new life style changes.  But i guess thats bound to happen sometimes, as long as i dont make it a habit.  i went to the gym tonight, well i think i went a few times last week also, but tonight was really hard.  Maybe im fixing to start, because all i want to do is lock myself in a big box of chocolate and eat my way out,lol The 3 C's are what gets me in trouble, chocolate, cheese and coke.  I could live off all 3 lol. 
I just wish i could wake up thin and healthy but i know thats not the reality of it.  not giving up is the hard part.   But on a better note, im really excited about halloween.  Ever since i was little, i LOVED dressing up.  I always thought it was sooo much fun.  This year im going to be peg bundy, since my hair is red right now i might as well get use out of it.  This is short because im tired and cant stop scratching?  i got some weird rash on my face and hands?  so anyways goodnight