"Some people go to priests; others to poetry; I to my friends."

Im the kind of person that believes things happen for a reason.  That all my steps are carefully placed before me.  Some think its chance, timing, ect.  I just think its the way things are supposed to go.  Which doesnt really fit  my personality because i like everyday to be a new adventure,lol.  Last year was  crazy for me and i went through all kinds of health and job changes it was just crazy!!  I may have looked a little flakey on the outside but i wouldnt change it for the world.  I felt like it helped me so much with getting closer with old friends as well as making lots of new awesome ones.  I feel like the older i get the more value i see in having good friends.  I went through a brief time after i got married where i didn't have any close friendships as i did.  It was a struggle for me because my friends and me were at completely different places in our life.  I was struggling with infertility at the time and that alone will suck the life out of you.  I was also adjusting to married life.  Long story short, i had a few falling out but over the years.  I have grown as a person and tried to rebuild what had fallen apart. 
I feel thankful to have made amends, it really is refreshing for your soul to forgive your self out of all people for the past.  
I feel like my friends have carried me through so much, and im always thankful when i can repay the favor.  You never realize how much you need friends, they help you see things in new perspective, and give you a push up when your down.  Friends are the family that you choose.  I know that in the past i havent been the best friend, but i feel like getting older and life changes make you see and appreciated the value of people that you can call at any hour, and that like you for being you.  So this is for all the people i have ever called my friend, past, present and future, i really am thankful and love you all.

WAKING UP

Without change, something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken. 
Frank Herbert 


I feel like in life where you get to a point where you long for change,  change that will refresh your soul as if you are standing in the rain in a drought stricken land.
  I need change.  I see what i am, and now i see where i want to be.  The journey in the middle seems to be where i get lost.  I don't understand why i go in circles, afraid to get off my personal carousel even though the music has stopped a while ago.    I recognize my biggest problems, which is fear and confidence.    I tend to just keep to myself and not express my feeling, which can be good or bad depending on the situation.  I have no confidence in myself.  I am really afraid to go after what i want, because if i do get it, i wont have a clue what to do with it.    I have so much that i want to achieve.  I have been asleep in my life for so long.  
I am thankful that i have such a supportive spouse that pushes me toward my goals and that sees the talent me in even when i have doubts.  Doubts of what i can accomplish in my life career wise and health wise.  Its nice that we both feel that need to change and want to be that couple that bikes and runs together.  We are both far away from that now.   It makes my day knowing that he loves me not matter whether im 100 pds away from my goal, today  or in the future when i 10 lbs away.  I feel like we are in this health journey toghter, and im thankful he understand what its like when i feel so far away from my goal. 
So i know this blogs kinda weird, but what it comes down to, is i want to live life to its fullest and work on being the best person i can be. 

Alone

"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone."

TRY AND TRY AND TRY AND TRY

So im setting new goals again.   I'm getting a lot of heck for quitting weight watchers from different people, im sure with the best intentions.  But i feel like i know my body the best, and i know what to do, to get the results i want.  I'm thinking im going to join southern athletics again, or i could continue at my other gym.  I'm still thinking about my choices...  All i know is that im sick of being nice, so tired of being a stepping stool.  Changing is hard but it has to be done.  Its hard to rise up and not let people just walk all over you.   anyways this is short, will write more later.  just a few thoughts right now

i just cant seem to get it together

So i really think that I'm going through a midlife crisis, or something.  I feel like i cant seem to get it together, or keep it together for some reason. 
Adams on vacation today well actually all week, and i stayed here to work trying to be a responsible adult.  I started a job at smart style, and stopped booth rental.  Let me first start off by saying i DONT enjoy change at all, and even though adam may get mad at me, hes kinda the pressuring type to do better, and make more money and try hourly and so on.  I dont think he means to be that way but well he is lol.  And i do understand that to a certain degree.  But i think im a different type of person, yes money is helpful but its not everything.   I just want to love what i do, and i didnt realize how much i LOVED booth rent, making my own hours, using my own products, giving my undivided time to my customers, not try to get them out because people are lining up.  I think smart style seem like a good place to work, but after 8 yrs off booth rent thats just to big of a change for me to make.  I am just going to have to find a busyer salon and push myself even further, because i LOVE what i do, i love being able to do makeovers, and giving discounts for referrals.  I guess i just love running my "own" business.  I may not make enough right now to make it count alot, but i just know in the long run i will.  Im just not ready to give up yet.  I am just so passionate about what i do.   I dont want to get myself in a big mess, and thats what i feel like i have done by trying to please adam because he is my husband, and i dont want to put us in a worse situation.  I think thats the risk you take when you marry  a hairdresser, kinda like a musician, you just never know what tomorrow will bring.   
Today when i got in my car and left i just lost it, because i felt like i was going to be in "trouble"  i hate that feeling, i felt lost.  I feel like i have lost my intuition by trying to please everybody around me, getting pulled in a million directions. My head tells me one thing and my gut tells me another,  this time i went with my gut.   Im going to take a few days and find somewhere thats a good fit for me, that i can make money to keep the hubby from griping but in the mean time still feel creative.  So thats the plan, im sorry if i left anyone hanging :( that was never my intent.  So keep me in your prayers that i will find the right place.

My advice

Is don't do it! Never do it!!

This was a lot harder then i thought.....

So this job searching stuff has been a lot harder then i expected!!  I have applied about 47 places.  I'm very persistent, maybe to persistent.   Buts its because of pressure.  I feel the pressure of getting my car fixed, and getting my meds paid for, because I'm pretty much screwed if i don't have a 2nd job before my samples run out.  Luckily i have about 3 more weeks worth.  
I just don't understand, i have been cranking out resumes and applications like crazy.  Its become like a full time job.  I hear its so hard to get a job in this economy because no one is hiring, if that's the case whats with all the want adds?  I have great work experience, its just so frustrating.  
I have a interview tomorrow that i was really excited about till Adam went over my odds, then i was like great :(  so I'm no longer excited just nervous and not expecting the best anymore.  I'm not very good at the whole competition thing, not really a competitor.  I just got to keep on applying like crazy to everywhere.  I have applied everywhere from Devon energy to walmart.  
I just got to remember it all will work out and i just got to breathe.  Remind myself I'm not drowning, i can do this.  I have to have pep talks with myself, or i will get really depressed thinking about everything.  This week was a short work week because of the weather and me getting rides, my m om really didn't want to get out and pick me up from work, but luckily my people were good about switching over till tomorrow. 
My ultimate goal is to be successful as a makeup artist/hair dresser, so it does feel really odd that I'm looking for a additional job.  I feel like I'm moving off the road :(  but i guess its just a detour.  You never know what life will throw at you....