Even Optimist get down

I would like to say things have gotten easier, or that life is great right now, but things pretty much suck.  Im feeling kinda depressed and out of control, im also at odds with my family right now so that adds a little more stress on my plate.   I feel like i shouldnt complain because i know people going through alot worse then me right now, but i have to get it out.  I feel like my head is going to explode and it doesnt help that i have had a headache for 3 freakin days.  I just keep reminding myself to take a deep breath and that it will all be okay.  I guess im just sad.   I can cry on demand any sec right now.  I guess mostly im mad at myself right now.  Im mad that i let my self go.  Im mad that i just cant make everything be magically alright,  Im scared im going to have to get shots everyday, im scared that im not going to be able to have kids, a home that we own.  I have a big long list of fears and i just feel very overwhelmed.  I want to just be alone, and i never want to be alone, i usually love people, but i find myself hateing them this week.    

i feel like my emotions are raw.


I really dont know why im taking this so hard, but its so hard giving up all the things you love instantly.  I am literally scared to eat because everytime i eat my bs raises 100 + points.  No matter what i eat, it jumps and when i wake up its always 250 after fasting.  I know im going to the dr monday.  I also know if i do have diabetes its not the end of the world.  But it feels like it for me right now.  Maybe its the not eating making me so emotional.  I weighed today and i have lost a total of 16 pds, and i think about the 150 more i have to go and its sooo overwhelming.  I was going to go to the gym today but i ran out of gas.  Things are crappy right now.   I know they will get better, i am a true optimist but right now i feel like i have just been kicked really hard, and its taking me a little longer to get back up.  
I know when i look back on this next yr that i will feel like its the best thing thats ever happened to me, if i continue on the path im on, which i really have no choice.  I guess im the type of person that needs drastic before i make decisions or stick with those decisions.   So for now, im just going to continue doing the things im doing, well the good things anyways, and pray.  I will know more monday.