New Challenges

Lots of challenges, as i face these upcoming holidays.  Thanksgiving wasn't really my down fall it was the few days before and after that got me.  My in laws from Illinois came to visit,  i did good on the nights where i cooked, but the nights where we went out to eat since Adam was off.  Well that was kinda my kryponite, because i would think i have never been to this place before.  And lets face it no one wants to eat salad 24/7.  I do feel like most of the places i went to i made as healthy choices as i could like tea instead of dr pepper, and no potatoes, or starchy foods.  But the extras that most restaurants cook their food with is crazy all the oils, butter and not to mention crazy sodium.  But even in bad situations where i don't make the best food choices, i feel like i learn from them.  Yesterday when we went to pops i did have dr p of  course and some vanilla Carmel cream soda which could easily become my favorite.  i like to call it creme brulle in a bottle lol.   Thankfully i have already lost 2 of the 5 i gained this week.  I'm hoping alot of it is water weight because i feel like my fingers are going to pop open because of the swelling.  I find myself thinking i cant believe i used to eat like this everyday, but i also see on the other "swollen" hand how easy it could be to fall back in to those same patterns.   This is defiantly a learning time for me.  But i think this time is different i feel my will to succeed is stronger and i know I'm going to have some slip ups and down time.  But i cant let it get me down.  Which brings me to me to the next topic stress and comfort eating.  Adams step dad passed away and it was unexpected.  He had diabetes and developed pneumonia, and within 24 hrs it took him.  I find that so scary.  It makes me realize how much more susceptible people with diabetes are to those things.  I think about the warning about that my doctor gave me, and realize now how much they matter.  I have to take care of myself.  I'm the only one that can.  I am responsible for my own choices.  So no excuse, i don't have to eat it because its in front of me, i can politely decline most people understand, also just because food is at a party doesn't mean i have to eat it, as good as it may be.  This week i know I'm going to have a hard time, i don't deal with death real well.  It scares me beyond belief.  Its hard dealing with things that you cant control or change...   We leave Wednesday, but i can do it and be responsible for my own choices and supportive at the same time.  Life's all about finding that balance that works for you.

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Im really looking forward to the holidays this year.  My inlaws are coming down, so that will be a nice change.  Im hoping it will be a somewhat mini vacation.  Because i really need one about now.  I went to the gym awesome last week but this week didnt do so hot. I guess some weeks im more motivated, and this one wasnt one of them.  I will lose weight because i dont really have a choice in the matter, plus im super excited about all the cute clothes i can wear in the spring.  The holidays will be a little more challenging but as long as i keep a close eye on what i eat, and if i do eat something bad, then i just need to eat one piece.  I can really put away some chocolate and pizza,lol and top it off with a 6 pack of dr pepper,lol....  These new changes arent really that bad, very inconvent but the foods not bad.  Although i am really sick of chicken, and have been craving steak like you would not belive, its the weirdest thing ever, if you really know me.    This  thanksgiving im making a low carb menu, so it will be different.  Im sure adam will complain about every single thing.  He doesnt seem to be happy unless he is having fast food.   Its a hard habit to break but i know it can be done.  I did it, and so can he.
 Im so tired tonight, its kinda been a rough day.

When life gives you lemons, please, just don't squirt them in other people's eyes

So today turned it to another family war.  But it was bound to happen because their were still tense feeling from the last one, that never really got resolved.   People just don't know when to stop.  Before it would really really bother me, now it still does but not as much.  I know who i am.  I know that i have done things wrong, and their has been times i  have talked crap about people.  BUT i don't lie about it when asked, i may shamefully admit it because i know better.  But what really really gets under my skin is when people lie about it.  Your caught now just admit the freaking truth, don't try to play the victim.  Own up to your mistakes.  Maybe that's just something i have learned with age.  I have no problem apologizing and admitting when I'm at fault, have the time i still do it even when I'm not at fault.   I'm am just sooo unbelievably irritate.  i don't know whether i should just delete these people or what.  But jealousy is not a pretty thing.  I have just had it,  With all the bulling lately.  It reminds me of when i was younger and i would go around family and never feel good enough because i was fatter then all the cousins, or they would ask about grades and try to be compared.  Your not stupid when your little you know your being judged.  I felt like i got judged from a early age, that i was never good enough.  I didn't have 2 parents, we didn't make alot of money, i made bad grades and i was fat.  Which seem to make me targets of criticism and snide remarks. 
  Little did i know that those who were hurting me were making me stronger, and didn't even realize it.  So cut to today, yes I'm still fat, and i don't get graded and never went to college, still don't have alot of money!  But what i do have is worth more then all that because i have integrity, pride and self worth, and more importantly i have God.  I don't need to take all the crap people hand me.  I am full, I'm not empty or shallow.  I don't need to start drama and lie about it.  Yes this will piss some people off but oh well. 
I have a drive in me. 
 I will not be stopped.
I don't know what it is, but its always been there, and the more crap that people try to put on me, and put me down.  Well the flame just grows brighter, and I'm going to shine no matter what!!!  I don't care if that sounds cocky, because its not meant to be.  I am confident in where i am going.  My past and all the judging has made me stronger.  I have a thick skin, and its not from tanning lol
This was supposed to be just a nice blog but well that didn't happen i have way to much on my mind.

3 C's

Its been a while since i have blogged my lap top is having some problems, and my work has been super slow lately.  Im hoping it will pick up around the holidays though.
I have had a few slip ups this weekend with my new life style changes.  But i guess thats bound to happen sometimes, as long as i dont make it a habit.  i went to the gym tonight, well i think i went a few times last week also, but tonight was really hard.  Maybe im fixing to start, because all i want to do is lock myself in a big box of chocolate and eat my way out,lol The 3 C's are what gets me in trouble, chocolate, cheese and coke.  I could live off all 3 lol. 
I just wish i could wake up thin and healthy but i know thats not the reality of it.  not giving up is the hard part.   But on a better note, im really excited about halloween.  Ever since i was little, i LOVED dressing up.  I always thought it was sooo much fun.  This year im going to be peg bundy, since my hair is red right now i might as well get use out of it.  This is short because im tired and cant stop scratching?  i got some weird rash on my face and hands?  so anyways goodnight

Meant For More

Sometimes i really think certain things are meant to be, its like people say certain things and it just hits you like someone punched you in the stomach and now your awake. I feel like right now I'm on the right path, with my health and my career.  I couldn't be happier doing what i love, it makes me so happy. But there is still that missing piece in my life, and that's the piece that's wants a family.
I realize that i can have a baby and it will happen, but i also realize that their is a need for kids with out homes, that have no one for the holidays or to take them on hay rides, to do the little things in life.  I feel like my heart is big enough that i can adopt and have natural kids and feel the same.  I just feel that i should be giving more.  I have had the thought of adoption before and just kinda put it out of focus for a while because we lived in a apt and in the ghetto, but things are different, and we are working our way to starting over in so many words. 
So i talked to Adam yesterday, and i kinda already know that he thinks adoption is a good thing, but obviously we have to work as a team.  He agreed that he thought it would be a good things also to have a blended family, i know that he doesn't feel any different about all the great brothers and sisters he has and he has like 10 thousand not really lol but alot!! 
Were giving a year to prepare and straighten out some finical situations that we have.  Honestly i don't care if people judge me and are like umm yall cant afford a kid and so on, because if everyone waited till they could their would be very little children in the world!  just thought i would throw that in for the talkers.. Because when you have to make it, you do make it.  i don't know how but it always works out and me, and Adam are never lacking.
I don't know why i just feel so strongly about this. It just broke my heart when my customer and me were talking about it yesterday.   I'm getting older and i want a big family.  I think me and Adam are both getting to the point where we really want something more.
I'm giving it a  year, so we can handle the situations, get the house ready and so on.  Then what we are going to do is adopt through dhs, its not nearly as crazy amount of legal cost and adoption cost as through regular adoption but Its defiantly affordable and the concept is still the same, we are helping a child in need.  We are very excited for all the changes to come.

Overwhelmed

Today has been hard...
This week has been hard...
I wonder can i do this for the rest of my life?

I guess i just have to take one day at a time because if i dont it overwhelms me, to the point where i feel like im going to have a panic attack.  Panic attack over food? maybe i am addicted.  Or maybe its just because i know my life will never be the same?  But look where same has gotten me, overweight with blood pressure and blood sugar problems.  Its holding me back from everything i want to accomplish.  
I dont know if the problem i have is with food or is it with myself?
I feel like im going through alot right now, and well im not really happy.  I dont feel really sad either.  I just feel weird.  Weird is the best way to describe it.  I feel like im stuck on a mariago round, and that im slowly slipping off, and it just keeps going faster and faster, to the point where i can hold on any longer.  Im not really a stressful person but i have alot on my mind at work situations that are not under my control, and it just breaks my heart that i cant just make it all go away, but i know with prayers that it will work out, but sometimes it just weighs heavy on your mind.
Today i had some chocolate.  It was so good.  I dont know why i did it.  I dont know if it was the stress getting to me, or the fact i knew i couldnt have it.  I felt so guilty, all i could think about is i dont want to go blind.  The drs have me so scared, with all the info that i feel like my head is going to explode.  I do okay at meals, i have been living off of salad, lean meat and veggies.  Its just when that sugar urge hits me its hard to ignore, but i got to learn. 
I feel like thier is something wrong with me?  That this shouldnt be so hard.
Life style changes suck,  i didnt even get a last dinner before they took away all my carbs, a goodbye would have been nice.  Maybe one last enchilada dinner with beans and rice with a big dr pepper to wash it down.  i guess a girl can dream,lol

The Damage has been done...

I had my dreaded dr appt today.   Surprise surprise i have diabetes.   At least i had a week to prepare myself for it.  I was proud that i didnt just break down and cry in the dr office.  I feel like i handled it very well.  Besides i prefer crying alone,lol im not a pretty cryer.    Im just trying to get informed as i can to handle this.  Im going to a diebtes class in a few months, the dr sent me home with paper work and meds -janumet that i have to take twice a day.  

I knew it was coming,  it was almost like something in my life had to give for me to take stuff serious.  Now i have no choice.  I asked her if i lose weight will i still have diabetes, im confused how that works?   So my dr explained that once your blood sugar goes out of whack in the 300s that the damage to the pancreas and insulin has already been done.  She said that by diet and exercise and meds that it will go down to manageable but you still have diabetes because the damage has already been done.

So i looks  like i have taken my health for granted a little to long, by just barely getting by.    I really dont feel as bad as i thought i was going to, or  maybe im just waiting for that second rounds of emotions to come and engulf me.  I guess im just "there" right now.   Im sure ill have good days and bad days, today doesnt feel like either right now.  Maybe im just numb or maybe i really do have a handle on all of it, i guess only time will tell. 

I was never any good at control,  so now its kinda weird because thats what my lfe is going to be all about.  Controlling my health.  Im on a pretty strick diet right now, and i have to exercise daily for my bs.   Diabetes brings alot of bad things and makes you prone to all kindas of crap,  But im hoping that it will bring out the good things in me, like strengh i didnt know i had, along with will power.  Also the realization that i do have some control over what goes in to my body.  My weight loss is at 17 lbs,  i hope to have atleast lost that much more by Christmas,  but since i cant eat anything good, it may be by Halloween,lol.  

So anyways thats my blog today, i cant predict how i feel in the future ones, jurys still out.